At some point in the future of
mankind, approximately in the 3000s, someone will find their calling in a
Georgetown 3 credit course on the history of the Why the Hell in American food
service. They will go on to specialize in the history of Why the Hell we
thought it would be a good idea to invite a baby to a table set with FORKS,
KNIVES, and pints of beer without say, arm and leg restraints. The following
are a few stories which will be featured in these textbooks.
Example
A: The Destruction Toddler
You couldn’t
have seen it coming, and like most things you couldn’t have seen coming when
you have complete and immediate loathing for the people you are talking to, you
totally saw it coming. Party of 12, parents drinking beers, 4 toddlers all
pre-gaming with pints of Sprite, and one in particular catches your eye. In the
way that a hamster would if you saw it doing cartwheels on your chicken fresco.
This three year
old boy, this small ball of future potential has already destroyed all the
crayons and dessert menus on the table and when someone attempts to sit next to
him, bellows out a strong, affirmative, NO, YOU SIT THERE, followed by the
unbelievable compliance of a woman in a pants suit. Occasionally, he demands
more Sprite from you. As his mother orders the $7 Belgian style French fry
appetizer obviously required to tame the boy’s wild and free spirit, you watch
the boy snatch the wrapped silverware from his mother’s place setting.
Your eyes widen
in a shock only masked by the set of questions you now fire at her to prolong
your presence at the table. “Would you prefer ketchup or maybe mayonnaise with
that? Tell me more about your past with French fries, What are your thoughts on
thinking of French fries as a vegetable?” And now the moment you couldn’t have
seen coming/have been waiting for, the three year old possible future president
of our county finds the fork in the linen roll, wraps his little hand around it
and yes, stabs his mother in the face. Your only consolation, you later tell
your manager, is that this is the closest thing you could have experienced to a
live performance of a Canadian PSA on domestic violence.
You will
frequently return to this table, mainly to monitor the swelling three-prong
welts growing on the mother’s face.
Example B: The Toddler who Eats $15 Hamburgers
Following
the trend of experiences that makes you feel like an enabler of gateway drugs
or gateway stabbings even, comes the experience with the parents who order food
from the Adult Menu for their child. You have learned how to react to requests
such as the 12 ounce sirloin or deep fried hamburger for the 3 year old by your
experience with people who request hot water with ice or hamburgers burnt until
“I could break them like a champagne flute”. Meaning, you do not react. Your face
is an unsigned petition. Blank.
The
key here is to not imagine the future memoirs of the pre-congressman toddler,
who, much like Governor Chris Christie, will now be destined to mention YOU as
one of the landmark enablers of his inevitable battle with obesity and/or
temporary resemblance to actor Chris Farley. On the other hand, this memoir
would be valuable material in the What the Hell literature of our future. On
the OTHER hand, you refuse to be villainized to our future generations, as all Ihop
and Country Cookin wait staff are destined to be seen as the Goldman and Sacks
pull-the-wool-over-everyone’s-eyes villains that they truly are.
An
interview with one of these irreformable waitresses is quoted in one future What
the Hell textbook as saying, “What was I supposed to do? Just tell them no?”
Yes. You were. And much like the Nuremburg Trials, the What the Hell textbooks
will have these enablers going down in history for their compliance with these outrageous
demands for high-caloric food for tiny people. Should have said no. You could
have saved yourself many sleepless nights and appearances in Chris Christie’s memoirs.
A tip is a small sacrifice to pay for truth.
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