Food Service Diplomacy

            What you didn’t learn about the State of Nature in high school from studying Thomas Hobbes and reading Lord of the Flies, you will begin to understand after a brief stint in the restaurant industry.

There exists but one reaction to a small girl holding four steaming plates over a guest’s head while simultaneously trying to rearrange the napkin holder and the salt and pepper shakers to make room for the incoming meal: the guest loses all control of motor skills. He sits silently, hands folded, sometimes choosing this moment to discover the spear of olives floating in his martini, and inexplicably snatch it from the glass.

The guest, you think, has suddenly imagined that he is involved in a game of scrabble or chess, and it’s Small Girl with Steaming Plates’ turn to make the next move. This is the Guest’s State of Nature.

But this inexplicable paralysis manifests itself in other ways too.

Example 1: Fighting over the Check.

“Is this going to be together, or should I separate it?” you ask.

“Together,” one says.

“Together,” says another.

Both look at each other, then at you.

“Just bring it to me,” says one.

“No, I’ll take it,” says another.

            “Okay,” you say, and begin backing away from the table.

You notice that the guests invariably resume their prior conversation, as if the matter is now completely out of their hands.

            After seven years in food service, you have learned that there are several ways you should, under no circumstances, react to this situation.

            Do not walk back to the table with a plate of chopped tomatoes and politely invite the guests to resume their former argument.

Do not sneak back to the table in your state-mandated no-slip silent-killer shoes, toss the check in the center of the table, and scream “GO, GO GO!”

            Do NOT give the check to the baby at the table and wait for the men you are now referring to as Ralph and Jack Meridew to tackle the high chair. (Especially if the baby has appeared to be hitting on you earlier.)

            And finally, under absolutely NO circumstances, should you pull up a chair and offer to make this into a game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

            Instead, you develop the art of the Slow Stretch. When you return with the check, slowly extend your arm across the table in Hile Hitler fashion and, in the best case scenario, someone will snatch it and both men will think you were handing it to him. In the worst case scenario, everyone will suddenly reach for their olives.

            Example 2:  Putting Fat People in Booths which are Obviously too Small for them

            This is, in fact, a frequent occurrence in corporate restaurants at which there is a readily available salad bar full of only mayonnaise-based items.

As you walk up to the booth to take drink orders, both guests, who are spilling over onto the table in the greatest example of muffin top you have ever seen, greet you with dark looks which say, “Very funny, smart ass.” Through the entire conversation, neither guest mentions the too-small table, while silently daring you to say something about it.

Of course, you have waited on Goldilocks Guests enough times to appreciate the guest who does not search for the table that is ‘just right’. However, you did not seat them, the tiny hostess did, nor did you invent trans fat. You are also not a line ride operator at King’s Dominion, wherein the decision not to tell someone that they are too fat could result in serious consequences. Sure, the impression that your table is constantly giving you the Heimlich Maneuver must be uncomfortable, but that could potentially come in handy. There are usually cherry tomatoes on the salad bar.

 The key here is that you know deep down, in the way that you know never to bring them more butter than they asked for or make a joke involving the possibility of super sizing their table, to ask if ‘this booth is okay’ for them. As innocuous as this might sound, what they will hear, and more importantly, what you will hear is: “Are you too fat for this booth?” (Sometimes, this sound will be accompanied in their minds by the imaginary sound of a stampede headed toward the salad bar to eat all the potato salad.) 

            Do not poke the bear.